A stale pork pie caught him in the eye
Hello. I often find accidental, unintended humour to be the funniest. And
this was my milk out of nose experience for today. "Benny is remembered by those who loved his boyish cheek and laughed at him when chasing those scanterley clad ladies in quick time around the park" indeed. And dear old Benny, who was a big fan of Puff Diddy you know, having created also the funniest
comic record ever, what with Alfie.
"You could hear the hoofbeats pound as they raced across the ground
And the clatter of the wheels as they spun round and round
And he galloped into Market Street, his badge upon his chest
His name was Ernie and he drove the fastest milk cart in the West
Now Ernie loved a widow, a lady known as Sue
She lived all alone in Lilly Lane at number twenty two
They said she was to good for him, she was haughty, proud and chic
But Ernie got his cocoa there three times every week
They called him Ernie and he drove the fastest milk cart in the West
She said she'd like to bathe in milk. He said, "All right, sweetheart"
And when he'd finished work one night, he loaded up the cart
He said, "D'you want it pasteurised 'cause pasteurised is best"
She said, "Ernie, I'll be happy if it comes up to me chest"
And that tickled old Ernie, and he drove the fastest milk cart in the West
Now Ernie had a rival, an evil-looking man
Called Two-Ton Ted from Teddington and he drove the baker's van
He tempted her with his treacle tarts and his tasty wholemeal bread
And when she'd seen the size of his hot meat pies it very near turned his head
She nearly swooned at his macaroon and he said "Now, if you treat me right
You'll have hot rolls every morning and crumpets every night"
He knew once she'd sampled his layer cake he'd have his wicked way
And all Ernie had to offer was a pint of milk a day
Poor Ernie, and he drove the fastest milk cart in the West
One lunchtime Ted saw Ernie's horse and cart outside her door
It drove him mad to find it was still there at half past four
And as he leapt down from his van hot blood through his veins did course
And he went across to Ernie's cart and he didn't half kick his horse
Whose name was Trigger, and he pulled the fastest milk cart in the West
Now Ernie rushed out into the street, his gold-top in his hand
He said, "If you want to marry Susie, you'll fight for her like a man"
"Oh, why don't we play cards for her?" he sneeringly replied
"And just to make it interesting we'll have a shilling on the side"
Now Ernie dragged him from his van and beneath the blazing sun
They stood there face to face and Ted went for his bun
But Ernie was too quick, things didn't go the way Ted planned
And a strawberry flavoured yoghurt sent it spinning from his hand
Now Sue, she ran between them and tried to keep them apart
And Ernie pushed her aside and a rock cake caught him underneath his heart
And he looked up in pained surprise as the concrete-hardened crust
Of a stale pork pie caught him in the eye and Ernie bit the dust
Poor Ernie, and he drove the fastest milk cart in the West
Ernie was only fifty two, he didn't want to die
And now he's gone to make deliveries in that milk round in the sky
Where the customers are angels and ferocious dogs are banned
And a milkman's life is full of fun in that fairy dairy land
But a woman's needs are manyfold, and Sue, she married Ted
But strange things happened on their wedding night as they lay in their bed
Was that the trees a-rustling? Or the hinges of the gate?
Or Ernie's ghostly gold tops a-rattling in their crate
They won't forget Ernie, and he drove the fastest milk cart in the West!"
I'm sure you'll agree that's really terribly amusing. Why there no more novelty records. Is that Whatever an anarchronym? I am of an elevated state and won't post this until tomorrow.
Oh fuck it, I'm going to set them all off like spinning plates. Go on, you can wait...
Tommy Cooper
Norman Wisdom
Les Dawson
I saw for the first time 'There's Something About Mary' on Friday - it take long timer to reach Alaskka here. I CHEEREd every time Jonathan Richman was in it. I CRINGed every time Lee Evans was in it. He is useless embarrassing and utterly appalling, no? Yes, very much. And since he is not a musical group such as for wild example the Hives I am allowed to say that as I have strict rule not go be sneery rude to band in gen. Not be mean on here, be nice fellow. I enjoy that film! I write in schtupid fake russian voice yeash. STOP
