Top 10 Christmas Songs
1 Happy Xmas (War is Over) - John and Yoko
Despite the simplistic sentiments and the warbling voice of Mrs Ono, or perhaps partly because of these, this still affects me. Play this song in a public place or take me by surprise with it and I may be tempted to squeeze out a teardrop from the corner of my jaded old eyes. So this is Christmas. And what have you done. Eh, come on laddy, what exactly *have* you done this year?! The spirit of renewal is implicit, the new year being a chance for a fresh start. It's all in front of you, it's all about to happen say John and Yoko, *if you want it*.

2 Santa Claus is Coming to Town - Joseph Spence
Not even that obscure in these times where everything is as available as everything else. But I first heard in 1984 or thereabouts, taped off Peel almost needlessly to say. Since when it has been periodically rediscovered by pomo hipsters. Basically, Mr Spence sounds like he's monumentally drunk and has only the mildest acquaintance with the words of this perennial festive favourite. He slurs his way around the chorus and grunts his way through the verses, accompanying himself on a guitar that he's clearly struggling with as well. It's not big or clever to laugh at people in distress but this record still makes me cackle like a witch. On a broomstick, with a pointy hat. but not cats or cauldrons. Witches have nothing to do with it. I wish I'd never mentioned them.

3 Merry Xmas Everybody - Slade
It was the first single I bought and has retained a degree of freshness no matter how many times I hear it. Noddy yelling 'It's Chriiiistmass!' is part of the festive trimmings now. And it makes me think of my granny cos the lyrics mention grannies. And sleighs. The B side was a romping stomping shouter called 'Don't Blame Me' which I'd like to hear again, the single I bought having long since vanished into the netherworld of attics.

4 Jingle Bell Rock - The Fall
From a Peel session back in 1994, wherein MES rattles through the old Max Bygraves number, making a few lyrical alterations. Green placky bags from M&S make an appearance and it's all over in a minute and a half.

5 Frosty the Snowman - the Ronettes
Phil Spector wishes you a happy Christmas. I like the way she sings 'frawsty' all Noo Yawk-ish. And I remember hearing the whole album in a restaurant one Christmas with a couple of lovely ladies. That's all.

6 Christmas in Hollis - Run DMC
The lazy, jazzy riff and the fluent lyricism. Daaah-dup, du-du-dup. See also: Die Hard and MTV c.1988.

7 Christmas Steps - Mogwai
Oh what do you want me to say - Bing Crosby? Cliff Richard?

8 All I Want For Christmas is my Two Front Teeth - Tiny Tim
It could be filed alongside Joseph Spence in the so bad it's good list, but Mr Tim who was invented by Charles Dickens knows he's a daft goof and plays to the gallery with this excruciatingly annoying, cloying dental ditty. The warbling falsetto and sad ukulele will clear the room in no time.

9 Everything's Gonna Be Cool This Christmas - Eels
From the 'It's a Cool Cool Christmas' compilation XFM put out in 2000. It has a nice little tune you can hum along to and there's an element of forced enthusiasm from Mr E that I identify with. I'm not a big fan of Christmas songs to be honest.

10 Silent Night - Can
So many versions to choose from, so why this one? Well, there's no bleeding singing for a start. And a very merry humbug to you all.

Buy the moon
I am one of the many thousands who play Popex, the pop music stock exchange simulation game. You sign up for free, get five grand to 'invest' in pop groups and see your money grow, or shrink. Sell! Buy!! Wear a yellow coat and don't have any lunch!!
So for no good reason, here is my current standing and details of my investments:

User Number 53670 - crispyvortex - £165138.54 - Chart Pos: 2621
Radiohead (bought at £9.99- £10.14) 600 shares worth 5550.00
Robbie Williams (£7.54- £8.45) 1244 shares worth 24469.48
S Club 7 (£6.56- £9.06) 1693 shares worth 27968.36
Eminem (£8.39- £11.39) 800 shares worth 8416.00
Jennifer Lopez (£13.78) 500 shares worth 9250.00
Madonna (£9.27- £11.71) 400 shares worth 8716.00
Westlife (£10.46- £15.63) 2060 shares worth 45793.80
Artful Dodger (£3.67) 500 shares worth 1900.00
Destiny's Child (£12.15- £12.33) 405 shares worth 7103.70
Sophie Ellis Bextor (£5.36- £5.61) 1964 shares worth 12746.36
Hear'Say (£9.95- £10.89) 1165 shares worth 13222.75

Total worth 165138.54 - which is not bad from a 5000 start and I wish I could do the same that in the so-called real world... but some of my 'chums' who I am competing against in a mini-league, are racing ahead with huge percentage rises (40-50% a week!). I believe they are investing all their money in the biggest 'shaker and mover' as shown on the site. In this way, they are riding the wave of the charts and then dumping that person for the next big shaker the following week rather than investing in a wide ranging portfolio of talent, like I've been doing over the past months. This has resulted in steady capital growth but I'm now finding that, in order to compete, I am being driven to take bigger risks and cut the number of artists on my roster. For the runaway success that Mr 'Hilmount' and Mr 'Benny on Acid' are experiencing it seems you only need one or two. So - goodbye Radiohead, you've done well for me this year but at the moment you're fairly static and I need to invest that money elsewhere... Sophie Ellis-Bextor, for instance, who's flavour of the week. And Madonna looks like she's peaked, so she's for the knacker's yard, too.
Play the game - sign up with this URL and make me about five virtual pence:
http://www.popex.com/cgi-bin/popEx.cgi?Mentor=53670

Dave Bowie in the supermarket
There are many pertinent reminders that magic is all around us if only we know where to look. I don't mean to imply godlike omniscience here, but consider this: Jimi Hendrix once played opposite the London flat where I used to live. I just heard this on the radio. The venue is now a hospital staff clubhouse or something.
Also, I recently found out that my dreary hometown, situated in the south London suburbs midway between Bromley and Croydon as if those names lend it any reflective glamour, once held a pop festival. Where this event took place I have no idea, the building must have been long since demolished. My mum says there used to be a cinema where Sainsbury's is. I worked in that Sainsbury's one grim and distant summer. Those antiseptic aisles where Dave once parped.
Anyway, it was 1964 or thereabouts (I'm not going to look it up) and featured David Bowie, nee Jones, on saxophone with one of his early groups. There was a pop festival in my town! David Bowie played there! Now I'm no fan of his, as I have pointed out on numerous occasions, but he is a star by any account. Thus my town is on the map for something other than being where Channel 4's 'The 1940s House' was filmed, which is no cause for rock n roll celebration, mildly diverting though it was.
Also on the bill was Peter Frampton (later of Humble Pie and huge US solo fame), but that is a mere footnote to a footnote. I daresay that I would have missed both the Hendrix and the Bowie events had I been available to witness them and not watching Andy Pandy.

Croydon plays a seminal role in the early history of The Fall, around whose mighty orbit all topics may be made to revolve. It was when supporting Siouxsie and the Banshees at the Croydon Greyhound in 1977 that a young Danny Baker advised the late John Walters to check out the support band. He did and invited them to record a session for the John Peel show. The rest is some class of sub-history.